Day Four

My body image.  Wow.  Its weird…let me explain:  I have a very poor body image but sometimes I forget.  I am embarrassed by my own reflection….I’m heavier than I’ve ever been.  I avoid pictures.  I do not attend social events where I have to meet new people.  I over analyze my fat rolls and my stretch marks.  But there are some instances in my life (which includes daily instances) where I forget all that.  Its usually when I do something I’m confident in, like teaching or being with my best friends.  It isn’t until I glace at a yearbook or see pictures from a girl’s weekend that I realize just how far I’ve let myself go.  The challenge always presents itself the same way.  I am constantly comparing myself, “Am I as heavy as her?  Wow, that girl has a body I’ll never have!”  My triumphs are all associated with weight loss.  In 2003-2004, I lost a chunk of weight and felt good again about myself.  I wanted to be in pictures, I wanted to go out. 

I am a very social hermit.  I know, it makes no sense but is so true.  I am at ease at my job, places with my friends and with my partner….but please don’t’ ask me to go to a party with young, new people.  Don’t ask me to go out dancing or to a bar.  My fear of rejection is suffocating….people can be very drawn into me because of my humor, or my intelligence but in most social situations…that s not the focus.

I’ve always been “the fat one” even when I wasn’t.  At 140 in high school, I was chunky.   I’ve always been able to compensate…however, in that period of time where I was down in my weight in 03/04 I was so alive.  My pictures show me practically glowing.  I’ve lost that girl somewhere in the fat folds of my face and body.  I want her back.