Day 9

Now that I've made my self-appreciation jar, I need to keep track of the words that I'm saying that got that money into the jar.  What are some things I say about myself?  Why do I say it?  What are my emotions when I say it?   For the most part the things I say are in a joking form to someone else.  Like:  "Look Fat girls don't do bathing suits."  Or...."You weigh as much as my thigh."  I do it to lighten the mood and to make sure my friends know that I'm not easily offended about things like that.  Rosie, the author of the book wants us to really look at why we are saying the things we're saying.  Is it because we want a healthier life without huffing and puffing up the stairs....or are we trying to fit into some Hollywood Standard?



The answer is easy for me.   I don't give a SHIT about Hollywood standards....hell, I don't give a shit about most people's standards....what I care about is being healthy for my daughter, being a role model for my students and being able to do things naturally without so much effort.   I am in this for the long haul.  Now I need to remember my words.  (sounds so simple huh?)

Day 8

So today in the book, Rosie talks about her trip to Amherst and how she met a bunch of roommates that kept a jar that you had to deposit money into everytime you said something bad about yourself.  Once the jar has a certain amount of money, you go and spend it.

So the task for today is to continue ditching the fat talk.  Then I found a bell jar and everytime I knock myself I put a quarter in.  (I'm going to be broke until I can spend that money!!)  According to Rosie, my self-awareness will soar and my habits will change.  So I'm trying it out.  I don't have to be a pessimist about everything right?

Day Seven

The author, Rosie Molinary talks about in her book on Day Seven about how we all have this voice in our head that nags us about everything.  You know the voice she's talking about.  The one that reminds you constantly that you're not meeting expectations.....you're too fat, your hair is too frizzy  or that you just aren't worth a whole hell of a lot.  The challenge for today was to give the voice a name and when she pipes up to put her in her place.

I named mine Mo.  On a few occasions today I found myself looking pretty damn crazy as I said out loud in my car, "Mo...go fuck yourself..."  or "Mo, shut up!!"  Part of this process was to also turn around the voice in your head and spin what Mo says.  I said things like, "Mo, I am going through a long process right now so that I can be healthy and more confident in my own skin.....so I don't care if I don't meet your skinny standards."

Off topic just a little bit....this reminds me a lot of my childhood.  I was raised Catholic and would be standing in line for confession trying to make up a lie to tell the priest.  While I was telling the priest my fake confession my inner voice would be telling me all sorts of things like, "Oh you are SO going to hell for that one...."  or "You don't mean a word you're saying.....liar liar pants on fire.."  So my inner voice and I have a history.  Like when I was trying to think nice thoughts of someone, I'd actually be thinking about their horrible demise.  It used to freak me out....then again....I read Sybil at like 6. 

So I'm going to keep having these conversations in my head.  I mean...the worst that can happen is that I could look crazy to the innocent bystanders who hear me say, "Hey Mo, go crawl up someone else's ass!!"  :)

Day Six

Today's topic in the book is about "Ditching the Fat Chat."  I have friends that are notorious for complaining about their asses or their stomachs or their thighs.  I myself, am the Queen of Fat Chat.  Except I turn it into a comedy show. 

The goal for today is to not join in when a woman I know criticizes herself in front of me.  Instead I should celebrate what I love about her and tell her how wrong she is.  The goal is also to stop myself when I'm inclined to begin my own body-bashing.  I have a strong woman that I read on facebook a lot that talks about positive affirmations.  I just haven't done it yet.  Today....I will write them down....and I will focus on them when I'm driving in my car or lying in bed.  Taking them directly from The Body Warrior Pledge.  These are the two I'm starting with:

My body is an opportunity, not a scapegoat.

I am worthy.  I do not need others to define my worth.  I know my worth.

Day Five

What is my vision for myself?

I sometimes spend hours before bedtime envisioning all the things that I want for myself.  The vision is usually very clear.  I want to not heavy breathe from walking up the stairs.  I want to go out with my friends and not think about what the others in the room are thinking about how I look.  I envision myself being more confidant with the way I interact with others because I'm less concerned about my weight.  I envision myself using my confidence to steer the rest of my life....the way I interact with my peers (work or friends), the way I handle my relationship...with Izzy and Troy.  I envision myself finding happiness...not in the "butterflies and lollipops every day" kind of happiness but the content feeling that I've been missing for so long.

How is this different from who you are or where are you today?

Right now I'm in this sort of limbo.  My employment status, my weight condition, my inability to feel truly GOOD about anything....all these things seem to make my body and mind feel heavy.  I am constantly worried about what others are thinking or saying about me.  I find myself at odds with friends who don't struggle with weight like I do.  I envy those who lose weight and it seems effortless or at least with less effort than with what I'm putting in.  I'm jealous.  I'm angry.  I'm hurtful to others at times. 

What do I think will make me feel more confident?

I'd love to say that losing weight will make me feel more confident.  And I'm pretty sure that it will definitely make me feel MORE confident but what I truly need is a self-esteem overhaul.  I need to believe in the things I used to.  I need to take up something that makes me feel powerful over MYSELF.  Whether its hiking or kayaking or something active.....or even just writing....I used to write all the time....I don't know if I have the answer for this.

Day Four

My body image.  Wow.  Its weird…let me explain:  I have a very poor body image but sometimes I forget.  I am embarrassed by my own reflection….I’m heavier than I’ve ever been.  I avoid pictures.  I do not attend social events where I have to meet new people.  I over analyze my fat rolls and my stretch marks.  But there are some instances in my life (which includes daily instances) where I forget all that.  Its usually when I do something I’m confident in, like teaching or being with my best friends.  It isn’t until I glace at a yearbook or see pictures from a girl’s weekend that I realize just how far I’ve let myself go.  The challenge always presents itself the same way.  I am constantly comparing myself, “Am I as heavy as her?  Wow, that girl has a body I’ll never have!”  My triumphs are all associated with weight loss.  In 2003-2004, I lost a chunk of weight and felt good again about myself.  I wanted to be in pictures, I wanted to go out. 

I am a very social hermit.  I know, it makes no sense but is so true.  I am at ease at my job, places with my friends and with my partner….but please don’t’ ask me to go to a party with young, new people.  Don’t ask me to go out dancing or to a bar.  My fear of rejection is suffocating….people can be very drawn into me because of my humor, or my intelligence but in most social situations…that s not the focus.

I’ve always been “the fat one” even when I wasn’t.  At 140 in high school, I was chunky.   I’ve always been able to compensate…however, in that period of time where I was down in my weight in 03/04 I was so alive.  My pictures show me practically glowing.  I’ve lost that girl somewhere in the fat folds of my face and body.  I want her back.

Day Three

There are parts of me that I’m proud of.  I’m a good teacher, a good mother and a good friend.  Unfortunately after years and years of disappointments I can’t stop berating myself for being a shitty daughter, a selfish girlfriend and a lazy person.  It seems like any good I may have to offer is so overshadowed by my sins and weaknesses…especially to those who know me best.  I think the most important thing that a healthy sense of self and a healthy life will give to me is purpose.  I will be a better role model for my daughter and female students.  I would be a better whole person who doesn’t have to boast, lie or brag.  I’ll be that friend and or girlfriend that cares enough about myself to make my time on earth happier and longer.